Wednesday, November 11, 2009

why, hello again.

i could never sleep these days. i don't knw why. 

i hate not being able to sleep. because then i'll keep thinking. and thinking. and thinking. 

stumbled across a fine frenzy again. i don't knw why i get addicted to the song. especially when it makes me so emotionally depressed. every dark feelings surfaced again. and now, i've heard over and over and over again. and i feel like crying. 

over what? i dont quite know. all i knw, i just want to cry. 

i took one zyrtec. hoping it will put me to a comfortable sleep. instead, im still awake. very awake. 

does people always leave? do they? why?

i feel so alone. i need a break. from city life. from here. from now. take me, take me away. i want to put my phone away. so i don't have to glance over it every few minutes. 

take me away. now. please. 

my heart feels very heavy. i wished i knew wad's causing it to be that way. take me somewhere, where i can sit on the sand, digging my toes in, listening to the sound of waves. no words are needed, just sit with me. until im ready to come home.  

Saturday, May 16, 2009

a small achievement

alcohol is a depressant.

i almost... ALMOST text him.

thank god i didn't. i would have regretted it in the morning.

thank YOU for keeping me sane.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

That Shit Bag

Once again, I let myself got hurt.
I failed in keeping my heart in check.
I let myself to drift away, thinking this may be right. The one.

Yeah. My ass, more like it.

You chased me when you had a gf.
I told u, i never wanna be the third party.
You convinced me, that I was the one you wanted.
So you dump her.
We started a relationship then.

Within a month, she came to your house packing her stuff,
You freaked out, and immediately broke up with me,
Without even talking to me first.
You made your decision thru facebook. pfftt.

I crashed. You broke me.

After a few days, you got all confused again.
You wanted me back.
I clearly told you. DONT HURT ME AGAIN.
I can't take it. Not anymore.

Guess what?
You did it again.

Again you did it abruptly. All within a day.
On Wednesday, we were still watching movies and having dinner together.
Muttering sweet nothings. However your actions was a lil distant, I noticed.
I noticed lil lil things. But I guess I forget to see the bigger picture.

On Thursday afternoon - you told me blantly, you miss your ex. so much you cant sleep or work.
On Thursday evening - you told me, you are leaving me.
On Thursday night - you told me you cant have communicate with me anymore. because she said so.

That night itself, you've let it slip, that you've been dining with her when I wasn't free to see you. That you already told her you wanted her back before even telling me about it. And when I asked, why did you not tell me all these? Why did you hide it away from me? You immediately got all fired up, and said, you didnt think it was necessary to let me knw about it.

And so, I was caught off guard, AGAIN.

I was already reeling from the fact that you can do this to me again.
And yet, you brutally told me, in my face, how much she means to you, how much you love her more than me, that you cant afford to lose her to another person who is currently pursuing her, that you are gonna marry her once you get her back.

Either you are born cruel or you love pushing me to the edge to jump off the cliff.

All these you tell me, yet just the weekend before, you took me back to your parents place in Ipoh.
To see your family. To get to know them.
You told me, your love for me surpasses everyone, even your first ex-gf of 6.5years. The one you loved the most.
You told me, I was the best thing that happened to you.
You told me, in each facebook email, how much you care and love me and you vowed never to let me go. Ever again.
You told me, I gave u so much life that you manage to quit football betting and loses the interest of going clubbing anymore.

You told me, how boring your ex (current gf that replaces me) was.
How stupid she was, that sometimes wad she did, she dont even realise she was annoying the hell out of you.
You told me, you cant communicate with her. That sometimes she just stares blankly at you not understanding wad you've just said.
You told me, you can't wait for the weekend to get out of the house and to go partying with your friends, just because being with her in the house is just so goddamn boring.

And now you are telling me she's the one for you?
Apparently, you freaked out, firstly, because she's about to accept someone's invitation to care for her. secondly, she recently blocked you from all sorts of communication.
News flash : You HATE losing. That's one of the reason you can't sleep at night, just because you hate the thought of losing your most biggest fanatic fan to someone else.
And so, you thought she's the one. Because this sudden feelings, you are unable to answer.

There were once, we were playing this game Solitaire Showdown on Msn, you lost, and you didnt even wanna talk to me on the phone after that game. So you tell me, the fear of losing or was it true feelings? I don't know. And to be honest, I don't care.

All I knw, I can do better.
Someone told me, I'm getting the better deal out of this.
She's stuck with you, worrying her entire life if you are ever gonna dump her ever again.
Me? I'm free as a bird, I'm gonna be experiencing something new. Someone new. Someone who knows when to make a decision and stick with it. And someone who deserves my love. Because darling, you dont deserve it at all.

Sure, I was hurting so much.
Who wouldn't when you suddenly explode a bomb onto their face.
But I can live without you now.
Yes, it's only been a couple of days since then.
But guess wad? I guess your brutalness got me a reality check that this wasn't how a relationship should work.

You know how much effort I put in for you.
I took care of your home.
I wash/scrub/hang/dry/fold your clothes.
I vaccuumed/sweep/mop your whole house.
I iron your working clothes.
I clear the damn dustbins and put it outside.
I made you laugh.
I made your heart skip a beat each time I surprises you with things you dont expect.
I changed my lifestyle for you.
I hung out less with my friends.
I quit smoking.
I stop my makeup and dance class just to see you more often.
I was losing myself when Im with you.
But I was afraid more of losing you that's why I kept on going.
But then again, I couldn't believe a marketing manager from a college couldn't appreciate that.

My life revolves around you.
Everything was about you.
Despite all these, you are throwing it all away.
And I realised, I shouldn't have compromised so much to you.
I shouldn't have lose myself just to please you.
I realised, making mistake and working our way, forgiving one another, learning another's traits is actually how relationship works.

I failed to put a stop when I should have.

But thanks to you. I've learnt.
You used me to test your feelings for your ex.
You were honest, but cleverly hide things you dont wanna tell.
I've learnt never to trust you ever again.
Maybe we could be friends in future.

But you know what? I'm afraid you may just cheat on your wife then.
Knowing how fickle minded you are. That's what you will do.
One day you love me, One day you love her.
Another news flash! : i knw deep in my heart, you'll regret your actions. You'll suffer for it. Because you always thinks you know. But time again and again, you fail to really know what you want. Soon enough, you'll get all bored again, why? Because she's boring. Simple as that. You would only want something you can't have. Guess wad? You can never have me ever again.

Like I said before, Feelings never dies. It just goes right deep inside your heart, making itself comfortable and special place to rest. Oh, did I mention that, those kind of feelings, won't resurface for those who know how to appreciate the ppl who gave their heart and soul to their love ones?
As for you, This will never work.

But I thank you really. For giving me a chance to have a better life out there. For waking me up from these so-called-dream. I'm enjoying others attention right now. And I am so blessed to have real good friends who took me out each day, to talk to me, to advise me, right til i came to my senses.

My friends who loves me:
Peggy
FM
Buluman
John
Keshy
Azrin
Nezyrin
Lily
Marianne
April
Ivy
Desmond

Thank you.

Monday, February 02, 2009

During working hours....

This is wad we do..

Subject: RE: Calibration overdue
Date: Mon, 2 Feb 2009 12:05:59
From: FoongMun.Ng@.com
To: lynnafcl@.com

sunway ones are fucked uplaa...
but nearest barcelona is rnb but...i dont have good experiance with that place. but can give it a try again

MOS...thursday is rnb but damn expensivela the cover charge....and fugging cold somemore..hahahaaa......

or else i suggest sanctuary...coz the music is ONZZZZZZ

From: Sharylynna [mailto:lynnafcl@.com]
Sent: Monday, February 02, 2009 2:17 PM
To: Ng, FoongMun Subject:
RE: Calibration overdue

ok one day, we give barcelona a try.

yea i heard that mos if fugging expenchip too..

hmmmm santuary.. sounds good sounds good.... hahahaha...

Subject: RE: Calibration overdue
Date: Mon, 2 Feb 2009 14:23:04
From: FoongMun.Ng@.com
To: lynnafcl@.com

sanctuary is good,.i love the music there...!

this sunday can go berhappy oso..coz monday holioday!!!! u too!!!

From: Sharylynna [mailto:lynnafcl@.com]
Sent: Monday, February 02, 2009 2:26 PM
To: Ng, FoongMun
Subject: RE: Calibration overdue

YEA WEI. wahhh so fast thinking of next monday liau. today is a monday u knw...

shit, my calendar is still january. must switch to february ady....

shit la... time passed damn fast wei... apa hal dgn kita ni...... takda semangat berkerja langsung... lets rob a bank la. lol... ahahhaha

Subject: RE: Calibration overdue
Date: Mon, 2 Feb 2009 14:30:43
: FoongMun.Ng@.com
To: lynnafcl@.com

nvm....luckily your calender masuk 2009 edi..not still stuck in 2008. keke.

Yeahman..time passing damn fugging fast.tell me about it.... at least you are working with dad..not too bad..im like..so many goals to achieve this year and so many holidays...die laaaaa

From: Sharylynna [mailto:lynnafcl@.com]
Sent: Monday, February 02, 2009 2:43 PM
To: Ng, FoongMun
Subject: RE: Calibration overdue

i need other things to occupy my mind. wait. *semangatly checking calendar for nx holiday*

SHIT. APRIL NO HOLIDAY.

OH. MAY - 1st, Friday - Labour Day.
but Wesak Day falls on a Saturday, 9th, May. means no holiday hor?

JUNE- 6th Saturday AGAIN. sigh... Birthday of yang di Pertuan Agong.

FUG. JULY NO HOLIDAY.

AUGUST. 31st lor. National Day. - Monday. YAY YAY

WAH I LIKE SEPTEMBER. 7th Nuzul Al Quran - Monday
20th- 21st Hari raya Puasa Sunday & Monday.

KNNCCB OCTOBER NO HOLIDAY

NOVEMBER. Deepavali - sunday 15th,
27th - friday hari raya haji
30th- princess sharyl bday. MONDAY. kanasai.

DECEMBER. FUG DECEMBER LA. I QUIT ON DECEMBER.

From: Ng, FoongMun (FoongMun.Ng@.com)
Sent: Monday, 2 Feb, 2009
To: Sharylynna (lynnafcl@.com)

YA ALLAH......

hehehee...my bday is on Friday....means friday night can partay....wait..i dont even know what to do....hahahahahaahahaa........

yours on momday? :S...... we make it earlierla..saturday!


now, tell me how productive we are..

Friday, January 09, 2009

Random...

... someone asked me if I did at least weigh 30kg. i don't knw if that's a compliment or a sarcastic remark.

... i think my alcohol tolerance level is slightly increasing. 3 glasses of beer + 1 tequila shot + few glass of liqour. and m still standing.

... i actually youtube for dance moves.

... my playlist now is filled with r&b songs that makes me more gian to go clubbing *oh wad has happened to me*

... when ppl asked me, what's my new year's resolution. i answered, What resolution? OMG it's new year!

... i stayed home in bed for Xmas and New Year eve. champion.

... i can't set which is top priority coz i'm too greedy.

... my phone bill went skyhigh rocket coz I thought I should wish ppl on those festive season.

... i hate February coz there's not public holiday.

... i already scan thru the months trying to look for MORE holidays.

... i dont have a proper meal coz i dont have time.

... i am so tired by the time the food is in front of me, i can hardly eat.

... i miss marianne's xmas dinner. the food was AWESOME.

... i'm gonna treat/pay dianne for her fantabolous poster done up for me.

... someone called me a butch. *wtf*

... i havnt been watching tv for a long time.

... i miss my blog.

... i alwis buy a planner but never write anything in it except my name.

... i need to get back to work now.

Monday, November 24, 2008

learn to be more respectful

been hovering over this matter lately. seems like it's never solved. i think people just needed to learn to respect another person other than themselves. yea well i knw some don't even respect themselves but that's not the point here.

I'm disappointed that you, can do that. Like the silence previously have no impact on you. Apparently you do that to others as well. Oh well, I've come to terms of your particular behaviour therefore, I've accepted for who you are. Just that I'm not gonna pretend it never happened. Respectful is what you needed to be in order for others to treat you like a friend. A true one at least.

I'm disappointed that you, can do that. That place is not meant to be private when thousands of others can come to know about it. It's just bugging my mind, when one moment your doing this, and the next your saying another thing. And your sibling, A, oh god. i find it very disturbing that A checks it so often, putting comments all over it. I mean, yes your close but... nevermind. I'm sure you readers get my drift. Respect is what BOTH of you needed to learn.

I'm disappointed that you, can do that. That you promised to do it since early this year. But what on earth happened? Too busy? Or you are not planning to do it? Then just be honest and tell us all what really went down. Don't go pretending on your blog bout how you want your future to be, and how discipline and how hardworking you are when this little thing you can't fulfil to a bunch of us who's been waiting patiently for so many months now.

I did made a blunder in the past. Of being disrespectful to others. Not even thinking of the other side's feelings over the matter. Mayb that's why I try to stay away from those who were the old me. oh well.

IT'S CHRISTMAS TIMEEEEEE.....

I love Christmas. I'm listening to Christmas songs. Finding the best so that I can listen to it over and over again. Christmas gives me this peaceful feeling that no other occasions can do. And yes, it's the season of giving. Sadly, people now only buys things for themselves. Whatever happen to giving presents and putting them under the Christmas tree, while we patiently waits for the day to come. Be it an expensive gift or a small 5bux gift. It's the thought that matters.

But nah. That's your own decision. I enjoy more going out buying things for others wondering what their expressions will be like when they open the pressies. Because these pressies are bought with a thought. Not by going into the shop thinking, "hmmm.. this is suitable. ok, if she/he doesn't want it, they can always re-wrap it for the next occassion." or buying some decorative items or some mugs or some useless stuff for that matter.

Yes i did say it's the thought that matters. But if you were to know that person for quite sometime, would you just go and buy a mug and shove it to the person's hand and feeling good that you've got him/her something? I highly doubt it. So there. That's my 2cents.

M gonna go listen to Christmas songs while reading my Archies. :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

it's all about me.

it's raining every day. i wished i had more hours a day... i wanna listen to the rain. i love the sound of the rain, have i mentioned before? i just wanna crawl up in bed, reading a book, tucked into my comforter... not having a care of the world.

i wanna finish up my cross-stitch. (i don care if it sounded very aunty-ish) i need to start using the stickers i bought. which means get started on the project i left abandoned. i wanna watch tv for hours! but Astro sucks when it rains, or when it kept repeating the shows i've already watched. 3 times.

and those doesnt need me to spend a single cent. but these does:

i wanna be having a cup of hot/cold choc in starbucks at their comfy seat updating my work, doing my readings on my laptop. i wanna walk around in the mall (not shopping, sometimes shopping can be stressful!) and just go have lovely food. for breakfast, lunch, tea time, and dinner. i wanna be fully indulged in total relaxation of spas. facial appointment that does not hurt. i wanna go for massages.

yes. this is a selfish post. it's all about me, and what i want.

so? i'm allowed to be selfish sometimes, especially when i'm so nice all the time. *hahahaha*

btw, my bday is coming up. those are some of the ideas of what you can get for me. thankyous!